Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML
Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML
Today, my sister and I got into a fight. I came home to find everything in my room covered in ketchup. FML
Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML
Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML
Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML
Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML
Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had cheated on me with a minor. She's claiming it was rape and is going to put him in jail. He asked me to help him pay for his attorney. FML
Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML
Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML
Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML
Today, my six year-old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said, "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML
Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML
Today, my 4 year old cousin is staying overnight. Every time I fall asleep he wakes me up to tell me I fell asleep. FML
Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML
Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML
Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML
Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML
Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML
Today, my 15 year-old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML
Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML
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