Mademoiselle London, England 33 ans En couple
Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. He was so nervous, he broke down in tears after failing to unclasp my bra after multiple fumbling attempts. Mood? Ruined. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML
Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML
Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML
Today, I was going to kiss my girlfriend for the first time. As I leaned in, closed my eyes, and was about to kiss her, she pushed me away and said, "Not with that pimple on your chin." FML
Today, my eight year-old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mindfucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML
Today, my girlfriend freaked out on me because I answered her call on the first ring. According to her, it implies that I'm desperate, always horny, and just want her for the sex. Just last week she got pissed because I waited three rings to answer. Apparently that means I'm cheating on her. FML
Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML
Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes, "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it this much." FML
Today, while watching TV at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark, nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realized she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML
Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML
Today, I discovered that every morning at around 3:00 my dad takes a monumental dump in my bathroom. When I confronted him about it he denied it. He still does it. FML
Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML
Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML
Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML
Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him, horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML
Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML
Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML
Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML
Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML
Today, I was talking with my mom about getting my school photos retouched. I believe her exact words were, "They'll take one look at you, and charge me triple." FML
Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML
Today, my wife heard that Wi-Fi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the Wi-Fi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML
Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So, are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML
Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML
Today, I learned that if you stare down an attractive man while pumping gas, he'll stare back. Then he might ask for your number. At which point his girlfriend will get out of the car and threaten to kick your ass. FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML
Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML
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