Stupidgit

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

Today, I was making my bed, which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

Stress test

Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

Keep it down

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year-old son came in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML