Sencilia101

Because nobody questions Bigfoot

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "Last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "We were hunting Bigfoot." FML

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

Today, I got to spend 4 hours on a bus with a group of selfie-taking teenagers who spent the majority of the time trying to harmonize while singing various songs. I'm pretty sure half of them were tone deaf. FML

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

Hangry

Today, I was on a city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling on it. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say, "Stop chewing on that!" FML

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

Why dude?

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

Hang in there

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9-hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

Today, I have such severe ADD that I can't focus without my medication. When I take the medication, I can only focus on one thing, but not necessarily the thing I need to be focusing on. I have a chem test soon, and I've been vacuuming my room for the past 4 hours. FML

Today, I've spent hours looking at photos of my husband and his ex-girlfriends that his mother keeps in a photo album. She doesn't have any pictures of us. We're married and expecting our first child. FML

Gold diggers everywhere

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML