Mademoiselle 33 ans Célibataire
Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML
Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML
Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML
Today, I found out my brother doesn't have a problem with "keeping it in the family". It's now up to me to explain why our cousin is pregnant with his kid. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML
Today, after breaking my leg, I'm unable to put any weight on it whatsoever. Our bedroom? Upstairs. Our only bathroom? Basement. My husband thought it would be a great idea to leave me alone and unable to walk to go babysit his nieces. I had to piss in a bucket. FML
Today, I had a really important meeting for my career. The guy I was supposed to be meeting was driving from across the state, and it was supposed to begin at noon. It's now 4. What if I leave and he shows up after having driven across the state? I don't dare move. FML
Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML
Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that it's "disgusting" to wash your "rear end" and that he has never, and will never, do it. FML
Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad walked in to talk. He said I'm not the son he'd hoped for, and that he'd been let down as a father. He said I should change the way I am so that he could love me more. It was the longest conversation I've had with my dad in years. FML
Today, I ordered takeout. When I looked in the bag, I saw they'd included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, then estimated that there must be at least four people eating such a large meal. I was eating alone. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf course and blow it while people were teeing off. It was very funny, until I blew the horn during some guy's backswing and his ball was shanked in my direction and hit me in the head. FML
Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML
Today, I desperately needed a mental health day, so I took the day off work and got some junk food and wine. A few hours later, I'm in hospital with gallstones and pancreatitis, needing an emergency surgery. My mental health day turned into multiple weeks off work, and a lot of pain. FML
Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML
Today, my parents told me that I wasn’t invited to a family wedding because it was too expensive to invite everyone. This would be fine, if they didn’t invite all my other cousins, and my baby sibling as well. To be honest, it’s probably just because I’m gay. FML
Today, my period started one week early, and I don’t have access to any hygiene products besides toilet paper for 3 days. FML
Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML
Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML
Today, my mother sat me down and told me, "I'm not going to lie, I hate living with you. Please get a job and move out." I'm 16. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML
Today, after waking up in a panic since I slept through my alarm, I hurriedly got ready and started speeding to work. On the way, I texted my boss to apologize for running late. His response? "It's Saturday." FML
Today, a woman came knocking on my door. Not to sell something or to chat, no. To punch me in the mouth. Apparently, I stole her husband and I'm a homewrecker. We don't have a clue who she is. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and were high school sweethearts. FML
Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML
Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML
Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML
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