Sencilia101

need not know · 19 janvier 2020, 05:00

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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Anonyme · 19 janvier 2020, 18:00 🌶️ Épicée

Romantic gesture

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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Tytonic · 20 janvier 2020, 05:00 ·Havertown, United States

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

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Anonymous · 17 janvier 2020, 20:00

Bad pranks are annoying

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the lock is broken) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

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14 commentaires Partager

teebs · 14 janvier 2020, 20:00 ·San Leandro, United States

Low priority

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. Forty minutes later, the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving, and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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Anonyme · 13 janvier 2020, 18:00 🌶️ Épicée

Science teacher

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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Cam · 14 janvier 2020, 05:00 ·Colombo, Sri Lanka

Little secret

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

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Anonymous · 8 janvier 2020, 20:00 ·San Francisco, United States

Three kids?

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

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Luisa · 9 janvier 2020, 01:00

Lunch Special

Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML

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Anonymous · 7 janvier 2020, 01:00

Still alive?

Today, after finally having the guts to confess to a guy I have liked for a year now and him saying he also likes me and then asking me out, I went out of my way and traveled 4 hours to meet him. He didn't show up and never apologized. I never heard anything from him. FML

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John Doe · 7 janvier 2020, 05:00 🌶️ Épicée

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

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Anonymous · 7 janvier 2020, 14:00 ·San Diego, United States

My family

Today, I had to listen for over 10 minutes as my brother and grandmother discussed how much they hate me. They thought I was asleep. FML

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Anonyme · 3 janvier 2020, 18:33

Official meeting

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

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5 commentaires Partager

Perry85 · 4 janvier 2020, 05:00 🌶️ Épicée

Confusing love triangle

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I said the wrong name in bed. On top of that, it was the name of her ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Who he cheated on my girlfriend with while they were together. FML

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Anonymous · 2 janvier 2020, 20:00 ·Grand Rapids, United States

Marking territory

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

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sexlube · 1 janvier 2020, 20:00 ·Kirkland, United States

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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Zoogangcapk · 1 janvier 2020, 05:00

Double Impact

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

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36 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 30 décembre 2019, 18:00

Mega creep

Today, I met a new guy at work who wouldn't stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six-hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me that he was her husband. FML

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oops · 31 décembre 2019, 05:00

My chocolate

Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML

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justagirl · 21 décembre 2019, 14:00

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

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Anonyme · 19 décembre 2019, 18:00 🌶️ Épicée

I am sexy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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Egyptian ToyBoy · 17 décembre 2019, 20:00 🌶️ Épicée

Seventh heaven

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable, aggressive orgasm that I'd be celebrating my efforts, if only in the process she hadn't knocked over my new expensive laptop, which then split in half. FML

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Anonymous · 17 décembre 2019, 05:00 ·Airdrie, Canada

Deep desire

Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML

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7 commentaires Partager

hottytodday · 12 décembre 2019, 05:00 ·Oxford, United States 🌶️ Épicée

Courtesy visit

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

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Deployed · 7 décembre 2019, 14:00 ·San Diego, United States

Great surprise

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

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Notcheating · 3 décembre 2019, 18:00 🌶️ Épicée

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML

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Anonymous · 3 décembre 2019, 01:00 ·Australia

Smell good

Today, I was doing the laundry and changing the bed sheets. I found most of my underwear under my step daughters bed, when I asked her, she said that she liked the way they smelled. FML

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"Tarun Kumar" · 3 décembre 2019, 14:00

Her plan!

Today, my girlfriend planned our day, she wanted to play FIFA before having sex. I won 11-0. She stormed out of the room, went home and isn't picking my calls / texting back. It's been 12 hours. FML

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LonelyStranger · 2 décembre 2019, 05:00 ·Lake Stevens, United States

Alone

Today, I was really excited to go to a party because I need to make more friends. Too bad a snowstorm hit right before I was going to leave, now I'm alone with no power. FML

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anonymous · 1 décembre 2019, 14:00 ·Oklahoma City, United States

Secret sex

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

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