mrsprincess

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it's her ex's. FML

Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

Just a prank, bro

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

Explain yourself

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

Welcome!

Today, the guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

Not bothered

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M&M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. - Mom" FML

Catfished

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape, his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML

Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

Here's your login details

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

Score!

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML