AhouKaho

Today, I had an elderly woman come up to me and tell me how well I pull off the look of being bald. She said that most women can't look attractive without hair. Then she asked me if I had cancer. I had to explain to her that I am, in fact, a man, and I shave my head because I'm a swimmer. FML

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

Cursed

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said, "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

Today, I built a snowman. When I'd finished, I went inside to get a scarf and carrot for the nose. As I came back outside, a snowplough ran it over, and the driver waved at me. FML

Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML

Common issue

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him, "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he'd sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

Wow, thanks Gramps!

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time. When my boyfriend introduced us, his grandfather smiled at me, took my hand, and said in the most polite voice, "Wow, you're not nearly as pretty as he described you." FML

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

Today, while trying on bras in the changing room, I wanted to see what my friend's bra looked like on her. Not wishing to leave my changing room in my underwear, I wriggled under her door. When I got through, my bra had come nearly all the way down and when I tried getting back, I got stuck. FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Classic

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

What the hell am I doing here?

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

Consistent

Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML

Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

Classy move

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house, just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML