Monsieur Sydney, Australia 27 ans Célibataire
Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML
Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML
Today, I got a 95 on my term project. To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. I only get laid if I get good grades. FML
Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML
Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML
Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML
Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML
Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML
Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML
Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML
Today, my dad forgot I was on the back of his motorbike. He did a wheelie and I fell off. FML
Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to bend my iPhone 6 like there's no tomorrow. FML
Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML
Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML
Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML
Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML
Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML
Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML
Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML
Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I noticed he looked uncomfortable. When I asked what was wrong, he asked when the last time I shaved was. I answered, "I shaved my legs this morning." He shook his head and said, "No, I meant your face." FML
Today, a coworker and I got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss's infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my acne has lined itself beautifully in a perfect 'L' shape in the centre of my forehead. FML
Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML
Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML
Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML
Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML
Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML
Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML
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