Mademoiselle Helmetta, USA 36 ans En couple
Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML
Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML
Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML
Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML
Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML
Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML
Today, I was driving to my new home with a lot of my belongings in the car. I could hear things shifting in the back. When I parked, I opened the door, ready to catch my vodka. I caught it - and watched my laptop slide out of the car, onto the concrete, and break into 3 pieces. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML
Today, I woke up in a closet of a four-star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I'm a secondary school teacher and I've been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4 a.m. this morning and it's now 1 p.m. in the afternoon. FML
Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML
Today, to my surprise my girlfriend said, "I've never felt this way before." We have been dating for six months, and I knew that I loved her, so I replied, "Me neither, I love you." There was a long awkward pause. Turns out, she was talking about her abnormally painful period cramps. FML
Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML
Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML
Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML
Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML
Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML
Today, I realized the guy I like is not deaf. This would normally be good news. However, for the past two weeks I assumed he was deaf after seeing him use sign language. I've been openly talking about him within earshot. FML
Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML
Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML
Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML
Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML
Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML
Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML
Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML
Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML
Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML
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