twofirstnames

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

Today, while cleaning up, I dropped a box of thumbtacks, spilling them all over the floor. As I fumbled to pick them up, the power went out. FML

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

Today, I told my dad that for Halloween I'm going to be an '80s workout Barbie. He just looks at me and says, "Yeah as the 'before' picture". FML

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

Today, I spent my day alone while my parents and siblings were at school and work. Trying to be helpful, I cleaned out the fridge, did 5 loads of laundry, worked outside, fed the pets, and made dinner for the entire family. The evening was spent hearing complaints about how wrong I did everything. FML

Demon child

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share a toothbrush with her. FML

Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

Today, when setting up for a rehearsal, my eldest teacher was standing next to me. My music teacher announces that it will be a tight fit and hard for everyone to fit in the area. The old teacher next to me leans over and whispers, "I'd like to fit in your tight area." FML

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

Keeping it in the family

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair… with her cousin. FML

Scared

Today, while I was casually sitting at a bar, a drunk biker with no teeth leaned over and tried to kiss me. I'm a sailor in the Navy, but I think I screamed like a little girl. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

MVP

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

Today, I found out my grandmother doesn't wear underwear when she bent over in front of me in her inappropriately short nightgown. FML

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

Book him!

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

Today, I discovered that instead of being a harmless way to relax after a rough day, parking in an empty lot apparently means you are either dealing drugs or want to commit suicide. I was detained, my car was searched and I was grilled about my happiness. Great stress relief, eh? FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML