Today, I greeted my girlfriend with a spinning hug. She got motion sickness and threw up all over me. FML
Today, my mom sent me a picture of a blank piece of paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours organizing my porn collection on my computer. What the hell am I doing with my life? FML
Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML
Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML
Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML
Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML
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