Mademoiselle Ghost town, United States 36 ans
Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML
Today, my child told me when she makes enough money to support herself, she's never going to speak to me again. FML
Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML
Today, while working at Lowe's, I had to deal with a situation in one of the bathroom aisles. Unfortunately, it wasn’t someone sitting on one of the toilets. It was two guys fucking in one of the shower displays. FML
Today, according to my girlfriend's instant messenger, which she left open on my laptop, I am her rough shag on the side while she searches for a guy who is husband material that her parents will approve of. I guess the engagement ring in my bag is going back to the shop. FML
Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML
Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML
Today, I got home to find my house trashed, my TV, PlayStation, and laptop smashed, all my clothes burning in the backyard, and all my food gone. Turns out my girlfriend did this after going through my phone and finding a contact named "Kristi". Kristi is my sister. FML
Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML
Today, I got back to my car with a note cussing me out for parking in a disabled space when I’m clearly not disabled. They also smashed my windows. It’s true, I’m not disabled, but I also wasn’t parked in a disabled space. I was parked in a normal space next to the disabled spaces. FML
Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML
Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML
Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML
Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML
Today, while getting my teeth cleaned, the dentist’s boobs kept hitting me. Normally I wouldn’t care, but she’s a new mother. There was milk on my shoulder. FML
Today, based on the significant time I spend at work, my phone is automatically labeling my work destination as my home destination and my home destination as my workplace. FML
Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML
Today, I bought variety condoms. I chose one called "Endurance" thinking it would be extra strong, put it on him, and gave it a suck. I realised my mistake when my lips and mouth went numb. It has benzocaine on to delay him. I still can't feel my mouth. FML
Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML
Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML
Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML
Today, during the garter toss at a wedding, all the eligible men yelped and scrambled, evading it like a falling meteor. They apparently wanted to stay single, rather than put it on and dance with the one who caught the bouquet, which was me. FML
Today, I learned that when airport security jokes that he's going to eat your box of donuts, you should not then joke back that he shouldn’t "because the powdered sugar is really cocaine". FML
Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML
Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML
Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML
Today, after my wife and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years, I found out she's still on the pill. Apparently when she was a teen she had bad period cramps, so her doctor gave her the pill for the pain. She never realized it stops pregnancy. FML
Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put his dog shock collar on me to wake me in lieu of my alarm. You know how those cartoon characters look when they're electrocuted? That's exactly how I woke up. FML
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