toooldforthis

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

Dick move

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

Today, I got a haircut. I wanted three inches cut off. When the lady finished, she had cut off everything but three inches of my hair. FML

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

Jailbird

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

Slumber off

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after two of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

Unfortunate coincidences

Today, I finally stood up for myself and beat the crap out of a bully at school, as my father told me to do. The kid and I were called to the principal's office, along with our parents. Inside my father's smirk faded when he saw that the kid's mom was his boss. FML

Today, I woke up, and I could see perfectly. Somehow, during the night, my eyes magically became 20/20. I was overjoyed, until I realized I'd fallen asleep with my glasses on. My eyes are still trash, and I want to cry. FML

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

Zach from Extra Fabulous Comics Illustrated this FML!

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

Today, I woke my boyfriend up at 7 a.m. to have sex. I thought the sex was great, but later he kept complaining, "I can't believe you woke me up so early." FML

I'm a dumbass

Today, I almost died in the shower when I slipped and my dumbass self tried to grab the water. FML

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

Climate change

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

Swings and roundabouts

Today, despite being the fittest member of my family, with a good exercise routine and a decent diet, I'm the only one who was just diagnosed with diabetes. Meanwhile, the rest of my family are fat, lazy slobs who eat like shit, but are otherwise healthy as horses. FML

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

Hush

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML