Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and I asked him to call me something sweet. He called me Honey Boo Boo. FML
Today, I went to my local Walmart to grab a few groceries, and while at the checkout line I grabbed two chocolate bars for a snack. The cashier gave me a look and mumbled under her breath, "Surprise, surprise." I'm pregnant, asshole. FML
Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML
Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML
Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML
Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML
Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be funny to tell my 10-year-old son that if he wanted to get girls, he had to do the Gangnam Style. My son has now non-stop been doing the Gangnam Style. FML
Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML
Today, I was stuck in the bathroom yelling for someone to get me toilet paper. My grandpa slips a small leaf under the door and says, "This is what I used in my day." FML
Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML
Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML
Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML
Today, my friend showed me a video of me in a nightclub. I was holding two Skittles vodka shots and shouting, "Red and green, merry Kwanzaa!" The shots were yellow and purple. I can't remember that night at all. FML
Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML
Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML
Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML
Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML
Today, I had to take my little brother to the pool. He acted like a brat the whole time, and when I told him we were leaving, he ran away, slipped, and hit his face on the tile floor. He told my dad and step-mom I punched him. They believed him, and I'm grounded for two months. FML
Today, at the age of 29, I now have a relationship on par with a teenager's. Several weeks ago, my fiancé and I lost our home, and are now back living with our respective families. We now have no privacy. I actually just got dropped off at home, before 10, after having sex in a hay field. FML
Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML
Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML
Today, I've been on duty at the hospital for just three hours so far, and I've already pulled five carving forks out of four different people. Good job, everybody. FML
Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML
Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML
Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML
Today, I was mugged at gunpoint by a senior citizen. She now has a lousy $20, and I probably have PTSD. FML
Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML
Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML
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