StonedLinda1

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

Whadda you mean?

Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife…" We all laughed, and then my partner said, "Boy, you got THAT right." FML

Today, my 7 year-old looked at me and stated, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

Today, I was looking through pictures on Facebook. There was a picture of me and my friends with the caption "I love you guys!" below. I had been cropped out. FML

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

Honest

Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML

Today, I had to listen to a girl who just came back from the bathroom, talk about the "gigantic massive dump" she took, and even held her hands up to show the size. FML

Today, I walk out of my apartment to find that my car is decorated with explicit drawings and "Happy 21st birthday" stuff written all over it. To top it off, my vehicle is completely wrapped in plastic wrap. I'm 22 and my birthday is in December. FML

Today, I had a dream I was going the bathroom. I then woke up peeing, but I didn’t wet the bed yet. As I ran to the bathroom while half asleep and in the dark, I rammed into the wall. On my way back to bed, I tripped and accidentally slapped my fiancé in an effort to stop myself from falling over. FML

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

Today, my girlfriend informed me that she is still in love with the guy she cheated on me with. She admitted that she would be willing to do anything with him if he wanted to. And, "He's a better kisser too." FML

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

Today, a customer was rude to me, and I was rude back. He then asked for my manager, and I told him I was the store manager. He then identified himself as the corporate owner. FML

Invasion of the bodysnatchers

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

Today, after informing my boss that I needed stress leave from my 70-hour-a-week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week, starting at 2 a.m. FML

Get that bussy

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

Thanks!

Today, I fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour. Someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iPhone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby. FML

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML