Célibataire
Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from SpongeBob, with large letters spelling, "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML
Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom, yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! That lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML
Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML
Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML
Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML
Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML
Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML
Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML
Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML
Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML
Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML
Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML
Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML
Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML
Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML
Today, my friends thought it would be funny to yell out, "Pass the bong, Emma!" while I was on the phone to my mother. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML
Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML
Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML
Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulled away, goes, "OMNOMNOMNOM" then continued kissing me. FML
Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML
Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML
Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML
Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML
Today, my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. I'm really good with my mouth. Just ask anyone." FML
Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML
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