Maxrondeau

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

Today, a 7-year-old girl came up to me and told me to go fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to me and told me to go fuck myself as well. FML

Corporate

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office, all of them guys, were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw that the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

Gas giant

Today, while giving a lecture about gasses to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusually loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

Today, I was chatting with a friend on msn. She told me a few days ago a Halloween party we had been planning was canceled because her parents said no at the last moment. Wanting to cheer her up, I went to her house to surprise her. I guess the party wasn't canceled after all. FML

Silver linings

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

Payback

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. It turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an ad for a Siamese cat. FML

Today, I went with my family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned house. We noticed the people had left a lot of stuff behind so we loaded up the car with books, records, etc. As we were leaving, we saw the family who lived there drive up. I robbed a house with my grandma. FML

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I'd accidentally texted "I'm going to fucking kill you, asshole." to my boss instead. I'm still waiting on a reply. FML

Genius

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

Today, my dog managed to pull a one-pound package of raw bacon out and eat the entire package including the cardboard. The vets cheered when they finally got him to puke up the entire, unchewed package of bacon. FML

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

Today, I got a phone call from my mother asking me if I was okay. Confused, I asked her what she meant. She then told me that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks, "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me, "Have you been having any intimate relations?" and the first thing that I blurted out was, "You mean with other people?" FML