wh0aitzsarah

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

Little shit

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

Today, I discovered the piggy bank I made a Facebook account for has more friends than me. It has 12. FML

Today, my teacher turned around from the blackboard and screamed, "Stop chewing your gum like a cow!" That wasn't so bad.--The bad part was when she realized it was me, she apologized saying, " I am sorry. You are not really a cow. I don't want to traumatize you; you're just overweight." FML

Superfuzz Big Muff

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

Run for the hills!

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML

Bruh…

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

Cravings

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

Wise words

Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, I decided I was done waiting for my boyfriend to ask me to marry him, so we were cuddling in his bed and I asked him. He asked for a rain check. FML

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

Bad boys, bad boys

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

Today, I attempted to bleach my body hair so I wouldn't have to shave. A little while later, I realized that I'd also succeeded in bleaching my skin, which was incredibly noticeable. I'm hosting a pool party this weekend. FML

Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML