Jiplo

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

Get outta here

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

Today, I woke up and decided that I no longer give a fuck what I look like. Today is also the day a very attractive exchange student joined my private band lessons. FML

Give it away

Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

Classic

Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

Yes problem

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

Guildy pleasure

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

Snarky

Today, I sat in my boss's office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML

Flow

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

Creepypasta time

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

Fart wars

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML