Sassybq1

Great chat!

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

Today, I realized that the black leggings I wear quite often become see-through when I bend over. I have been showing the world my ass as well as my thong for over a month now. FML

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

Today, after working all day and putting in hours of overtime, I realized I never clocked in. FML

Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

Today, in front of family and friends, as I got down on one knee, my girlfriend fainted. Her father, a lawyer, rushed over and said, "Anything she says for the next 72 hours is not legally binding" and whisked her away. FML

Your silent face

Today, my husband decided that the best way to deal with me eating the last chocolate chip muffin was to give me the silent treatment. Normally, I'd just get over his childish behavior, but we're on a fifteen hour car trip back home with our one year-old. FML

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, in an amphitheater, someone hit the back of my head. As I turned around, the guy apologized and said he mistook me for his friend. I changed seats, and after a while, I got hit a second time. He was wrong again. FML

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then stole my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML