Ahyuenhsia

Today, my cat managed to digest some of the grass she ate. This makes her poop come out daisy-chained, and sometimes leaves a piece dangling from her ass on a string of grass. Then she runs around like crazy until it falls off, if possible on my bed. I had to catch her and pull it out by hand. FML

Horny and dumb

Today, I found out my husband pretends to be a young, bisexual woman online. As if that isn't bad enough, he flipped out and didn't believe me when I told him the other "young, bisexual women" he's been beating it to are probably middle-aged men too. FML

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

Today, I was sucking on a candy and I began choking. A coworker rushed over to give me the Heimlich maneuver. That freed the candy from my throat, and also the shit from my bowels. FML

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

Today, on my day off, despite working a night shift the night before I was up early to clean and cook all day to spoil my boyfriend. At 10 p.m. when I finally settled down into the bathtub, my phone rang. It was work, asking where I was for my shift. I didn't have the day off. FML

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

Flood warning

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells, "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in Seventeen Magazine. They were in the "What not to wear" category. FML

Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML

Signing off

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a "damn fine ass." I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

Today, when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. I started getting wet. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling on bed watching TV. He gets up at one point and turns the light off, so I asked him why. He replied, "You look better in the dark." FML

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

Today, my fiancé turned 21. I stayed up and took care of him for 3 hours while he puked his guts out. When I FINALLY get him to bed, he jumps up and rips the lid off a plastic container on the floor and pukes in it. It was full of all my yearbooks, baby pictures, and childhood memories. FML

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

Play ball

Today, the guy that I like took me on to the Cavaliers game. At the game, on the jumbotron they do a thing where they show couples and have them kiss, the camera goes on to us and as I go into kiss him, he turns and says, "Not in this lifetime". The entire stadium got to see me get rejected. FML

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML