South Gate
Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML
Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML
Today, it's my mom's birthday. Got the perfect gift, the perfect card and of course the perfect cake. Well, it was the perfect cake until my dog's ass crushed it. FML
Today, my friends and I went paintballing. The instructor showed us the sound of an unloaded gun by shooting at my face. It wasn't unloaded. FML
Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML
Today, an elderly woman was crossing the street and dropped her bag of groceries. I got out of my car to assist her, but she beat me repeatedly, yelling that I was "enforcing a stereotype". Sorry for trying to help. FML
Today, I watched from my office window as a couple maneuvered their car to squash a dead pigeon flat on the road. I then watched as they got out of the car, set up tripods and started taking photos of it. FML
Today, I got called to the guidance office, only to be told my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn't sure how to break the news to me, so he made my guidance counselor do it for him. FML
Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML
Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML
Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML
Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML
Today, my father described me as "the sort of sucker women marry then cheat on all the time." My mother agreed with him. FML
Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML
Today, I accidentally belched at the dinner table. At age 22, I got sent to my room with no dessert by my parents. FML
Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML
Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML
Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML
Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML
Today, I rode my new motorcycle to work for the first time. As I accelerated, I felt a sharp pain in my neck. Apparently, poisonous spiders can actually get trapped inside motorbike helmets. Duly noted. FML
Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML
Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML
Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML
Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML
Today, I woke up to find "Fuck you, Harry" painted on my car. Harry's my neighbour. FML
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