psychchika

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

Surprise!

Today, I flew home early from a two-month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a home baked cake from scratch and a quilt with silk-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said, "Oh sorry, he's out with his girlfriend." FML

DON'T MOVE!

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

Peaked

Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

Congratulations

Today, while talking on the phone with my long-distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected, he told me, "Well, you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

Today, I was at work. I'm a sign spinner. Lots of other employees shares stories of how they have been flashed by 18 year old hot chicks as they drive by. I got flashed by a 45 year old, 300lbs lady. FML

Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML

Today, I accidentally cut myself with a razor blade on my toe. Not only does it sting really badly, but it reinforces the fact that I have abnormally hairy toes that need to be shaved. FML

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

News to me

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to, "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

Nice

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year-old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He said, "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

Sorry for asking…

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

Suspicious minds

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I thought it was going to be an intervention. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML

Nostradamus

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago, my four year-old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

Groucho

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML

Today, I returned home from a three-week vacation. None of my friends realized I'd been gone. FML

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML