Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML
Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML
Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML
Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML
Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML
Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair… with her cousin. FML
Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML
Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML
Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML
Today, my boss told me that I'd confessed my love to him last night when he'd held my hair back as I puked. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML
Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML
Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML
Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML
Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML
Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML
Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML
Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML
Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML
Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML
Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML
Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML
Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML
Today, my grandpa told us he wanted to fit in. His idea of fitting in is streaking in a park at 4:00 pm. FML
Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML
Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML
Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
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