rikkaidai25

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent Christmas Carollers to my house to tell me he was breaking up with me. FML

Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

Today, after months of correcting him, I got so used to my boss calling me "Alex" that I didn't respond to my own name several times today. FML

Gift of the gab

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

Elaborate

Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "Eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

Discrimination

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

Today, it's been months since I dropped out of college to escape constantly being bullied and being miserable. Ever since then, I've been having recurring nightmares with the same people bullying me, after which I wake up crying and feeling miserable. My brain is a douchebag. FML

What are you doing?

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to come if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

Today, my wife and I are about to move across the country when the landlord for our new house called and said a water line busted and flooded the house. The movers are coming tomorrow. FML

Today, I ate at Subway during my lunch hour. A group of teenage girls sat down at the table next to mine. They all shared good laugh about the "friendless, chubby chick" sitting near them, while attempting to discreetly point at me. FML

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to get into bed noiselessly while pretending I had a boyfriend asleep in it. FML

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML

You freak!

Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML

Chatty cat

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

Today, my classmate said I looked better without makeup. Well, her exact words were, "You look like less of a whore without makeup." FML