Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML
Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML
Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML
Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML
Today, my teacher, who's Irish, called me insensitive and stupid for imitating her accent. I'm Filipino and my parents immigrated to Ireland where I was born, and then we moved to Canada when I was 14. Her response to my explanation? "Bullshit." FML
Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML
Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML
Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML
Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML
Today, I learned why the phrase "seafood taco salad" terrifies everyone in the school's cafeteria. What happened to me after eating it made Saw III look like a Disney movie. FML
Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML
Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML
Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML
Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML
Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML
Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML
Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML
Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML
Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML
Today, I visited my new doctor, hoping that he would be able to figure out the cause of the pains I've been having for years. He told me there's nothing he can do, that half the drugs out there cause cancer anyway and that I should look into homeopathy. Great. FML
Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML
Today, the war against the pigeons on my veranda reached a new level. To try and get them to clear off, I gave my window pane a short, sharp knock. It broke into several shards, and not one of the totally oblivious birds moved. Pigeons 1, Me 0. FML
Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML
Today, I went to McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML
Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML
Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML
Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying, "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML
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