kanyevevo

Today, I met a guy who said he thinks he's in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I get home to find my sister crying, because some 'person' told her boyfriend that she's cheating on him. FML

Kinky

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

Curlywurly

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have at least combed it!" FML

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warned me that a pattern of damaged passports would result in longer processing periods, she spilled her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

What did you just say?

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

Color coordination

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

Tick tock

Today, I was walking downtown. I'm 57 years old, and I'm pretty well along in terms of hair loss. On top of that, I recently hurt my left leg and am walking with a crutch. I passed two teenagers, who were looking at me, and I overheard, "Yeah, I agree. I'm much more scared of aging than death." FML

Today, at school I was sitting with a friend outside, talking about irregular periods and unshaven legs. Ten minutes into the conversation, a teacher sticks her head out the window above us and tells us to leave. We were distracting a classroom who were trying to finish a test. FML

What are you doing?

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting… friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

Alexa, play "Patchwork" by Tindersticks

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a Ziploc bag filled with hair. It was thd mustache I'd been begging him to shave for months. FML

She's right, you know

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

Heartwarming story

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had no choice but to shit himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he'd pooped in. FML

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

Today, while in the elevator with the girl from my office that I've been crushing on, but never spoken to, I said "aren't elevators awkward?" After a long silence, she got off three floors before our office. FML

Today, I went to the store to get Valentine's Day gifts to decorate my boyfriend's and my new apartment. He was there shopping with his wife. FML

Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it'd be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mix CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mix CD in the trash. FML

Today, I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 with my boyfriend. In hopes of him putting his arm around me or holding my hand, I told him that I was very scared and pretended to cry a little. He told me to be quiet because I was ruining the movie for him. Then he moved seats. FML