Mademoiselle 31 ans En couple
Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is: it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales, and sharks. FML
Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML
Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML
Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML
Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML
Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML
Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML
Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML
Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML
Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML
Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML
Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML
Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML
Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML
Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML
Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML
Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML
Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same stop. I swear the whole bus could feel the tension. FML
Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML
Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only responses were, "Lol", "Hacked", and similar remarks. FML
Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marriages and advised her to "get out while you can". FML
Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML
Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML
Today, I caught a coworker at my new job staring at my chest. Trying not to rock the boat, I took him aside and asked him to stop. He insisted he was just trying to read my shirt. Our company uniforms don't have writing on them. FML
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML
Today, a little girl walked up to me at Target and asked me what my name was. I smiled and told her my name was Kristen. She looked at the skirt I was wearing and said, "Kristen, can you wear pants tomorrow?" FML
Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML
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