pupmia22

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Decisions, decisions

Today, my 27 year-old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

Potterheads, man…

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML

Unsolicited dick texts

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

Another one?

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML

Let down

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML