Mademoiselle SoCal, United States Célibataire
Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year-old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML
Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she bought the same perfume that my boyfriend got me for Christmas last year. He loves that perfume. Now, whenever he smells me, he's going to think of his mom. FML
Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML
Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML
Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML
Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML
Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML
Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML
Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why it is inappropriate for her to go skinny dipping with her male friends. FML
Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML
Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML
Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML
Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML
Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML
Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML
Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML
Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML
Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML
Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML
Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML
Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML
Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML
Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML
Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML
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