sodapop83

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

Apron strings

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

Let me in

Today, I came home from school, only to find I was locked out. The cars were all there, but no one was in. It wasn't until I heard continuous banging from my parents' window that it clicked. They kept me locked me for over an hour in freezing weather just to have sex. FML

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

What a dick

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

Today, I sent my grandma a naked picture instead of my girlfriend. While attempting to delete it, I sent it again. FML

Today, my father decided that since I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, he would buy me a book on how to talk to girls. The book was written by a 9 year-old kid. FML

Today, it was my first time taking blood on the ward. The doctor saw that I was nervous and gave me a violent old man with schizophrenia who thought I was there to kill him. FML

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

Today, I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity movie with my mother. We were terrified and held hands at one point. The person sitting behind us thought it would be hilarious to abruptly scream into my mother's ear. She reacted by flailing and driving her arm straight into my face. FML

Run!

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML