sodapop83

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

Today, I had my 7 month check up for my pregnancy. The nurse weighed me and said, "I see you've gotten into the Halloween candy." FML

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

Make it stop

Today, maintenance came to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near my apartment. They changed it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of my sanity flat-lining. FML

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

Today, my dad watched the news and decided to start preparing for Hurricane Sandy by buying $300 worth of long-life and canned food. We live in Australia. FML

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend what she got me for my half birthday, to which she replied "A baby." She was serious. FML

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

Time waster

Today, I had sex with this guy I had been crushing on for five years. It took longer to put my clothes back on than he lasted. FML

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML

Oh dear, oh no

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

Damn, son

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

Get away from me

Today, I found out that my over-controlling parents would be moving in next door. I'm almost 23, and moved 5,365 km away to get away from them. FML

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

Today, my company had a Halloween party. I was so excited seeing as our company never does anything, so I pulled out all the stops with my costume. I was the only one who got dressed up. FML

Today, after nearly a year of headaches and fuzzy vision, I went to the eye doctor. It turns out I've had my contacts in the wrong eyes for a year. FML

You laugh, you lose

Today, I gave a big presentation at work, hoping to impress my boss and angle for a promotion. I was already nervous, but a co-worker at the back kept making goofy faces, causing me to repeatedly break into laughter. My boss accused me of being high, and suspended me on the spot. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

Today, I decided to delete my Facebook account. My older sister repeatedly called me in tears asking why I'm cutting her out of my life. It seems I can't get rid of social media without my family taking offence. FML

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

Today, I enjoyed a lovely family dinner, but my irritating grandma kept trying to buy my purse off me, and kept picking it up to look at it. When I got home I realized all my cash and cigarettes were gone. FML