Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML
Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML
Today, while on my way to the break room, it seemed as if everyone was staring at me and giving me odd looks. I asked my friend, "Did I get prettier overnight or something?" She answered, "No, your shirt is just see-through." FML
Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML
Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML
Today, I went for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement, and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML
Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year-old guy. My boss is a 50 year-old woman. I desperately need this job. FML
Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML
Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a makeshift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML
Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML
Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML
Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML
Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML
Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML
Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML
Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML
Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML
Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML
Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML
Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML
Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML
Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML
Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML
Today, I played a Jazz gig. It rained, making the tent the band performed under heavy with water. When I stepped forward to play my solo, the front end of the tent collapsed under the weight of the rain, drenching me. FML
Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML
Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML
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