luckyducky_7sq

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

Funtime!

Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he "can't date someone who supports the war." We started dating because he thought I looked cute in my uniform. FML

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

Today, I spent two hours driving all over town looking for a store that sold pumpkins. When I finally found some, I was charged ten dollars per pumpkin. Later, I went to my town's annual Halloween festival and discovered they were giving pumpkins away for free. FML

Square eyes

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

Today, after 3 years, I saw my ex, who I still love, at a coffee shop. Being nice, I said hi. He turned around, looked at me, and said, "Thank God I broke up with you. You look like a hot mess!" before getting up and walking out with his model girlfriend. FML

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

Today, I picked up a broken piece of seemingly velvety cactus to show my mom. I now have a million microscopic, painful splinters in my fingers. FML

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

Sneaky

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

Training day

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

Sounds reasonable

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day… but I want to date some other girls first." FML

Today, I got married. About five minutes after I got my huge wedding dress on, I had to pee. It took three people to help me not pee on my dress, and my bridesmaids took pictures. FML

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

I wanna see the referee's nose hairs

Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML

Today, my social awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML