Houston
Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML
Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML
Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML
Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML
Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML
Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML
Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML
Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML
Today, my friend and I were bouncing around on a trampoline. We brought my dog up to bounce him around. We found it hilarious. He didn't. He attacked us. FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML
Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML
Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML
Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML
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