Lunantic

Nice neighborhood you've got here

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

Stolen valor

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend." The worst part? I said yes. FML

Today, a 65 year old toothless gas station attendant asked me out on a date in exchange for free gas, and I said yes. This is what my unemployment has come to. FML

Crotch shot

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

Today, I went out in a storm to collect my wheelie bin, which had flown down the street. On the way back to my house, I realised my door had slammed shut and locked behind me. That's okay though, a trampoline decided to smash my window and let me in. FML

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

Poetry in politics

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

You tried

Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

Today, I heard my alarm go off, dragged myself out of bed, had breakfast and got ready for work. As I was heading out the door I checked the time again. It was 1:41 AM. Apparently my alarm never actually went off. FML

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML