MonieeKay

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time." He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

Jesus freak

Today, while driving, a minivan cut me off. Pissed, I started honking and cursing. I then went ballistic when the driver waved out the window, smiling. It wasn't until I was at a stoplight that I noticed their "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. FML

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

Nature is healing

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

Assholes

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

Can't take it anymore

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML

Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML