CaptMacLeod

Today, I had to explain to my grandmother why, "What a nice singing voice! He doesn't sound black at all!" is not a compliment. FML

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

Priorities

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

Bad boy

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

Nice guy

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear: "Do you give head?" FML

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

Gullible's travels

Today, my 15 year-old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

Today, in a desperate attempt to get fired, I sent a sexual love letter to my boss. We're going on our first date tomorrow. FML

Paternity test

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

Today, my boyfriend complimented me on how he liked my freckles down below. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they were just razor rash. FML

Punished

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

¿Dónde estás?

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

Today, I went to get a physical, forgetting I'd shaved my pubes the day before and still had bad razor burn. My doctor told me I had "dicken pox" and was prescribing me with shaving cream. FML

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML