Trishard

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

Check this out

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a cute girl I didn't know. She fell asleep on my lap by accident and I just let her for the whole train ride. This is the closest I've ever been with a woman. FML

Mean streets

Today, I got called a "f***ing b**ch" by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

Today, I went with my family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned house. We noticed the people had left a lot of stuff behind so we loaded up the car with books, records, etc. As we were leaving, we saw the family who lived there drive up. I robbed a house with my grandma. FML

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

Meow meow

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

Today, I was casually looking through my girlfriend's phone while she got ready, though she made me promise not to. To my confusion, I discovered that she had me listed as 'Saturday' in her contacts. There was also a Thursday, Friday and Sunday listed. I only ever see her on Saturdays. FML

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

Today, I went into labor with my first child, and as much as I pleaded, I had to wait for my husband to finish his raid in World of Warcraft before he'd take me to the hospital. FML

Today, I returned from a week-long vacation. My landlord told me he had let my boyfriend in my apartment to get something. I don't have a boyfriend. Everything in my apartment is gone. FML

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML

Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

Festive spirit

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML