underandoverit

No way

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

Easyjet

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML

Today, my husband of 19 years took our children out for dinner, told them he's gay, then sent them home to tell me for him. FML

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

Kinky

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

Sorry father…

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

Interrogation

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my shoulder as she walked past. This only made me realize that this has been the closest I've come to touching a girls ass in over a year. FML

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML