underandoverit

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

Perks

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

Today, I realized that my boyfriend will only have sex with me if I am on my stomach and not revealing my face. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me a video of him having sex with someone from one of his last relationships because he thought it would turn me on. FML

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

Superfreak

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

This is awkward, guys

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

Keep us posted

Today, I walked around for hours with a Post-it on my back reading, "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

Gagging for it

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

Not a Bio major

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

Sneaky

Today, while we were making love, he farted, then blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

Groucho

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML