oombaga

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

Yummy

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

Today, my daughter asked me the difference between "their" and "they're". This is the same child I've been spending thousands of dollars on to send to law school. FML

Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML

Today, I told my parents about the amazing guy I met. My mom immediately stormed out. My dad got up, looked at me and told me he's disappointed in me for "falling into the traps of the Internet," and leaves. I didn't meet him on the Internet. FML

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got in a fight about which is better: Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. We aren't speaking. FML

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

Whaaaaat?

Today, my 18 year-old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

New sensation

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died, but I thought for a few seconds that the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

Today, I found out that when I was 4 I killed my bunny by drowning it. Apparently, my aunt bribed me to do it because it pooped in her shoes. FML

Freud smiled

Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML

Awkward

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

Well played

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

Crossed wires

Today, I got into a minor argument with my fiancé. Deciding it wasn't worth fighting over, I shrugged and said, "Really, what are we even doing this for?" To which he replied, "Honestly, I don't know. I haven't loved you in years… Oh, you meant about the fight." And just like that, I'm now single. FML

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

Today, I found out the hard way that if you spontaneously begin to lose weight, you may have cancer, not an increased metabolism. FML

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

Lonely hearts

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

Alone time

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

Today, my two moms were telling some fairly obscene jokes about their sex life. When I told them to stop making such vulgar jokes, they turned to me and said, "What makes you think we were joking?" They then clarified that they were in fact being completely serious. FML

Today, I went to a costume contest as Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. I won, which was nice, until I was told that the only flaws in my "Samwell Tarly" outfit were my long hair and wrong sword. FML