Today, at a campfire, I whipped out my guitar to serenade this girl I like with a Nick Drake song. When I was done, she said it was nice, but that my singing voice sounded a bit like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. A couple of people nearby burst out laughing in agreement. FML
Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored, I made a "to do" list for the week in my head. FML
Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML
Today, I went to a jeweler's to buy a ring to propose to my girlfriend. When I was at the restaurant, in mid-proposal, with people watching, I realized I had left the ring in the store. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML
Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML
Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML
Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML
Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML
Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML
Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML
Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML
Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. He was so nervous, he broke down in tears after failing to unclasp my bra after multiple fumbling attempts. Mood? Ruined. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML
Today, I went to pick up some of my clothes from my boyfriend's apartment. While searching under his bed he pulled out a tank top and bra and asked if they were mine. They weren't. FML
Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML
Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may become my boss. FML
Today, I was going to kiss my girlfriend for the first time. As I leaned in, closed my eyes, and was about to kiss her, she pushed me away and said, "Not with that pimple on your chin." FML
Today, my eight year-old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mindfucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML
Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML
Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML
Today, I learned that if you stare down an attractive man while pumping gas, he'll stare back. Then he might ask for your number. At which point his girlfriend will get out of the car and threaten to kick your ass. FML
Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML
Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML
Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML
Today, a week after my fiancé and I got engaged, his mother is already complaining that she isn't involved enough in the wedding arrangements. We haven't even set a date yet. FML
Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML
Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML
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