Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML
Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML
Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML
Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML
Today, I decided I was done waiting for my boyfriend to ask me to marry him, so we were cuddling in his bed and I asked him. He asked for a rain check. FML
Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML
Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML
Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML
Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML
Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML
Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML
Today, I dislocated my collarbone while trying remove my bra without taking off my shirt. FML
Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML
Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML
Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML
Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML
Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML
Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, my 15 year-old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML
Today, I was propositioned by an incredibly pretty girl. I'm a 24 year old virgin; she's my best mate's girlfriend. She tells him everything when drunk, and he's a black-belt in karate. This could officially be classified as torture. FML
Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML
Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML
Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here?" FML
Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML
Today, my extremely paranoid boyfriend called me a whore and threatened to break up with me, all because he had a dream in which I had sex with my ex. I'm still a virgin. FML
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