lilny5613

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML

Today, at a bus stop my friend told me that he loved me. I, reacting on impulse, told him how long I've wanted to hear him say that, and kissed him. Then I realised the look on his face. Turns out he'd said 'I need new shoes' not 'I love you.' FML

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

Today, I was walking to the parking lot from class while texting. When I looked up as I approached my parking spot, I noticed the words "F*ck you Dave" keyed into my car. Hi, my name is Clare. Who's Dave? FML

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

Today, I came home from my two week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

Today, on the airplane, the kid behind me kicked my seat hundreds of times, while the big bald guy next to me farted deadly ones repeatedly. I was on a non-stop 14-hour flight. FML

Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I'm scared to go in their room now. FML

Today, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell. I would have fallen straight onto my ass, but thankfully my testicles broke my fall. FML

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

Today, a black cat crossed in front of my truck and I thought to myself that it was funny people believe black cats bring bad luck. Not even two minutes later, I drove my truck into a ditch. FML

Ewwww

Today, I went to throw out the garbage outside. I noticed at the bottom of my can was a lot of rice. I was angry at my brother for making a mess. As I went to clean it up, the rice moved. It wasn't rice, it was maggots. FML

Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML

Narcissism

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

Today, my cat knocked over a cup of scalding hot tea - but don't worry, the carpet wasn't damaged. It went all over my leg instead leaving a nice big scar for my holiday. FML

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king size bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

Many such cases

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

Epic prank

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML