TheEpicPies

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML

Today, I got into a fight with my mom over the chores, and stormed out. When I returned later, I found the house had been egged. My mom told my dad she saw me do it, and he won't believe my side of the story. He says I'll be lucky if I see sunlight this summer. FML

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

Today, my mother is trying to convince me to divorce my husband. He has a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder and she believes this means he kills people. FML

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

Today, I found out through Instagram that the guy I'm dating has a wife and two kids. FML

Grounded

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

Oh no!

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

Today, is the third day since I opened my small coffee shop. My parents had given me a nice frame to put my first dollar from working in. I had to sneak in a dollar from my own wallet so they wouldn't know how bad business was when they came to visit. FML

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML

Stop talking, stop talking now

Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what possessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to discuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

Wuss

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

Daddy's in the shit again

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML

Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML