TheEpicPies

Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

Today, I missed my University entrance exam because of heavy traffic. I was stuck at one intersection for over an hour. The real kicker? It took me less than 10 minutes to drive home. FML

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I heard, "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

Today, my seven-year-old sister came to stay at my house for the night. She usually just sleepwalks. But tonight she sleep-peed in my clean clothes basket. FML

Slip up

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

Today, I was on my hour long bus ride home with a full bladder. Right as the bus reached my stop, the time I spent holding it in was over. I didn't make it out of the aisle before I peed my pants. FML

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

Double dump

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

Give it back

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

Hard to beat

Today, my cat peed on my bra. I didn't realize this until after I arrived at work for my 12-hour shift. Now I'm trying to wash my bra out in the sink and stuff paper towels down it to soak up the moisture. Only 10 more hours to go, and the smell of cat pee is still lingering. FML

Could it be possible…?

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

Today, my dad grounded me for two weeks for profusely swearing at my misbehaving laptop. After some arguing, he actually accepted my half-joking offer to play a game of CoD over it. His condition was that if I lost, my grounding period would double. We played. He kicked my ass. FML

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML