Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML
Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML
Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML
Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML
Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML
Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML
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