Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML
Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML
Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML
Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML
Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML
Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take two hours to get there. They called two hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another two hours. FML
Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML
Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML
Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML
Today, during our wedding, my wife tried to dodge The Kiss. FML
Today, I finally realized the reason my son's grades have been dropping so much. Every time I drop him off at his tutor's house, they play Call of Duty until I pick him up. FML
Today, my stepbrother found my diary and read it. He then told my boyfriend how I had a crush on another guy, and no longer liked him, causing my boyfriend to break up with me. That diary was from the third grade. FML
Today, my house got egged. Why? As a joke, my friend bought me a doormat that says, "A Canadian Lives Here." I'm Canadian. FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML
Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML
Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML
Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML
Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML
Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML
Today, I found out that getting caught in a barbed wire fence isn't as bad as it sounds. Running through a forest at night, tripping over one, rolling down an embankment, and getting swiped by a car, however, is. FML
Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML
Today, I have been released from jail because my idiot friends decided to get me a surprise hooker for my birthday. Turns out "Candy" was actually an undercover cop. My friends ditched me. I was the only one arrested. FML
Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML
Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML
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